Even though it was 11pm, and I really wanted to just go to bed, I knew I had to just hash it out with the Lord. I feel like I had just been putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. I would spend time with God ( I've spent more time with God this semester than ever before), but at the end of the day, I still just felt empty/wrong... like something just wasn't right with me.
I've been better since I recognized I've been facing a bit of spiritual battle, and been fighting against Satan, but I realized I had some of my own personal demons I needed to deal with. As I started to work it out and journal about it, and get to the root of my problems, it was as if God was ripping the band-aid off my wound. It hurt, I was crying out to God, but I knew I needed to work through the matter, and not just seek someone or something to soothe me.
As I figured out exactly what my problem was, what the root of the issue was, it made sense. I kept feeling like I am the only one experiencing feelings like these, but then as I cleared up and pinpointed what was wrong, I realized I have heard story after story of others facing this same road. Some didn't figure it out until they were neck deep in a big mess that was about to suffocate them. I am just happy that God does love me and cares about me enough to help me to figure out what actually was causing this gaping wound in my soul, and then helped me to at least start stitching it up one little bit at a time.
I know I will continue to deal with this, and it's not unusual, many other women walk this same road as I. But the difference is what I turn to. Will I turn to the things of this world to make me feel better? Or will I open my heart to God and let him pour salt in my wound to help disinfect it, and cleanse it before it can heal?
Last night I chose God. and he showed me that I am a broken vessel. I am a jar of clay, easily breakable, and has many cracks already, but I am God's exact work of art. He has a purpose for each and every single one of those cracks, and will use me for His purposes. He doesn't need me, but He chooses to use me in a way infinitely more than what I can do on my own.
On my own, I would try and fill myself with water that keeps pouring through the cracks, getting me frustrated, and settling for stagnant junk floating on the top of whatever water is left in me. But God wants to fill me with His living water. A spring that will overflow, even though the water will pour through the cracks in my life, God will keep me filled, and continue to fill me if I let Him.
Praise be to Him. The author and perfecter of our faith.
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